Dodging Drama: How to Stay Cool and Crush It with Challenging Coworkers and Managers

We have all been on a team. Most of us have been on a team that doesn’t function perfectly. Many of us at some point in our career have worked with a challenging coworker or manager. Some of us are experiencing this very challenge right now. With few exceptions, all of us know about workplace drama.  

It’s no doubt that workplaces are a melting pot of personalities, communication styles, and behaviors. Relationships can greatly affect your work experience and overall productivity. They impact your life!  We often say that you don’t have to like everyone you work with, but you do have to work with them. Better yet, you “get to” work with them.  As coaches, our goal is to help people not just tolerate challenging dynamics but to turn them into opportunities for development, and of course, to work and live without drama.

Here are some foundational thoughts from your coaches if you would like to overcome a difficult relationship at work:

1. Clarity and Perspective

Before diving into tactics, it's crucial to get perspective. Often what makes a person challenging is not their intent to cause harm but rather miscommunication, misunderstanding, and assumptions. It can also be a misalignment in values or expectations. Understanding the root cause helps you empathize and build strategies based on insight rather than frustration. For example, a manager who micromanages may be insecure about their team's ability to deliver or may have high-pressure expectations from higher-ups. Or perhaps a coworker who has challenges outside of work is disengaged and uncooperative.

Ask yourself:

• What is my story about this? (Listen carefully to my perception of the situation)
• What are the facts? What is reality? What is the truth?
• Is this person’s behavior a response to external stress or pressure? Are there needs that are not met in our working relationship?
• Do we both clearly understand our roles and expectations? Do we understand our everyday responsibilities?
• Is this person communicating differently than I am?

2. Self-Awareness: Own Your Part

One of the key principles in coaching is self-awareness. Simply put, it is awareness about who we are, how we operate (think, feel, and act), and the impact we have on others. It’s also about understanding ourselves and how we respond to the world.

Please read or re-read our coaching article from August 2024 on taking personal accountability and owning your part of communication and relationships. Yes, you DO have a part in this.

Everything starts with intention. What is your intention for this work relationship? One of the best ways to reframe our intent is to get clear that we want to work well with the other person. When you want to work well with someone, it lessens the drama immediately. It allows us to respond versus react, builds trust, and it opens channels for great communication.

Ask yourself:

• What is my intention? What do I want for me? The other person? How would I behave if this was really what I wanted? How could I communicate my intention to them?
• Do I want to be part of the problem or part of the solution?
• What, if anything, am I taking personally?
• What specific behaviors or actions trigger frustration (or other emotions) in me?

We all have certain triggers that evoke emotional responses, often clouding our judgment and leading to reactive behavior. Identifying these triggers can help in responding more thoughtfully and effectively. For instance, if a coworker consistently takes credit for an event or project, it may trigger a response if fairness and recognition are core values for you. Recognizing this can help you address the situation more constructively.

• What personal values or beliefs are being challenged by the coworker or manager?
• How can I let go of my need to be right? As coaches, we often observe that people would rather be “right” than “successful”. Strange but true! The reality is that we all do it to a certain extent, and sometimes with certain people!

3. Developing Conflict Resolution Skills

First, let’s reframe the word “conflict”. How about describing it as a time of tension or uneasiness?  It shouldn’t seem like a battle in a war. Make the goal to handle the tension in a way that promotes growth and collaboration. Make the goal to work well with the other person.  That moves us out of conflict immediately.  

Key Strategies:

• Self-Regulation: Focus on maintaining composure in tense situations. Instead of reacting impulsively, take a moment to pause, breathe, and assess the situation.
• Empathy: Practice seeing situations from the perspective of the other person. Why might your manager be harsh with deadlines? What pressures might your coworker be facing? Empathy doesn't excuse poor behavior but helps create a foundation for effective communication.
• Genuine Listening: This is an essential skill in all relationships. When someone feels heard, their defensiveness lowers. Focus fully on what the other person is saying, without interrupting or planning your rebuttal. Afterward, paraphrase what they said to ensure understanding.
• Collaborative Problem-Solving: In coaching, we often use open-ended questions to guide people toward solutions. Instead of saying, "You always make mistakes with deadlines," say, "How can we work together to improve the project’s timeline?"
• Stay Solution-Oriented: Avoid assigning blame. Focus on what needs to happen to move forward. If a coworker or manager has an issue, ask how you can contribute to solving the problem, shifting the conversation from tension to collaboration.

4. Setting Boundaries with Confidence and Assertiveness

Setting boundaries is an important skill to meet your own needs, and to ensure that you stand up for your ideas and contributions. Assertiveness, which is often confused with aggression, is about communicating your needs clearly, respectfully, and confidently.

Key Strategies:

• Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when the deadlines change without notice” is more helpful than “You always change deadlines at the last minute.”
• Be clear and specific about what you need. For example, "I would appreciate it if we could have a weekly update meeting to avoid last-minute changes."
• Stay calm but firm. Assertiveness isn’t about being louder or more dominant; it’s about being clear in your communication without needing to apologize for your needs.
• Ask for clarification. If you are unsure of the meaning behind a manager or coworkers’ comments or directions, ask clearly what they mean. If you sense sarcasm or negativity, speak up and call them on it by asking what they mean. Do this in a kind, respectful, and professional way. It works. Sometimes people will continue their behavior simply because it works for them. Help them to see that it doesn’t work for you.

5. Working with Challenging Managers

Managing up is a key strategy when dealing with a difficult manager. This means proactively working to make your manager's job easier, anticipating their needs, and aligning with their priorities, even when their leadership style feels challenging.

Key Strategies:

• Understand Their Priorities: Sometimes managers come across as demanding because they are under pressure. Take the initiative to ask what their top priorities are, and tailor your work to meet those needs. By doing this, you build trust and demonstrate reliability.
• Clarify Expectations: Miscommunication can lead to tension. Ensure you fully understand what is expected of you by regularly checking in. Ask questions like, “Can you clarify what the top priority is for this event?” This shows that you’re committed to meeting their expectations and avoids unnecessary friction.
• Provide Solutions, Not Problems: When you go to your manager with an issue, try to offer potential solutions and your recommendation. This shifts the dynamic from being a problem-bringer to a problem-solver, which can build trust and improve your relationship over time.

Growth Opportunities

Working with challenging coworkers and managers is a part of every professional’s journey. The key is to approach these situations with a mindset geared towards learning and growth rather than frustration and avoidance. Long-term change often requires small, consistent efforts. Focus on gradual improvements rather than expecting immediate results. Celebrate small wins—whether it’s a more productive conversation with your manager or a peaceful resolution with a coworker.

Reach out to a coach whenever you need support!